Sunday, August 28, 2011

Play D and D? We are hiring at Target!

Tonight Ry and I stopped by Target on our way home from Grammy and Pops. We needed some breakfast stuff and I had promised him some new Pokemon cards. All his little friends sit around at the morning Y and battle these cards...Every time I have to play it with him i feel like i should just poke my eyes out, but you know...he loves it.

So at target we are checking out and the pokemon pack gets picked up by the clerk. Now he TOTALLY looks normal...but here is what happens..

Clerk- Ohhhhh not Pokemon.
Stacie- ?!?!?
Clerk- you know, you shouldn't really invest your money in pokemon. Its not real Japanese animation.
Stacie- (in my head) Is this dude talking to me??? WTF!
Stacie - (outloud) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Clerk- I mean...there are so many other wonderful things you could be watching...I think that (inserting fake title here cause I cannot remember what he said) Usuba wan gee gee is awesome. It is on episode 20 and the hero is really someone to look up to. They show his scars because he refuses to kill so he is always taking a beating.
Stacie- Ummmm. You know those pokemon cards are for an 8 year old.
Clerk- Oh....yeah...yeah....but i mean really...pokemon is not anime...anime is the name for Japanese cartoons. it is very arty...and wonderful.
Stacie- welll.....ummmmmm okay...yeah...love anime....ummmm see ya.

Now look...this whole bizarre conversation probably wouldn't have bothered me if i wouldn't have had a very similar one at Dominicks 2 weeks ago about comic con and civil war games with a clerk there. WTF people. I don't care if you prefer the original star trek over the next generation. I don't want to discuss that your other hobby is dressing up in union soldier uniforms and doing a night reenactment complete with cannon firing. I just want my milk and cereal.

And why is it that all of these odd young men feel that I am just the person they should be yapping to about this? I was not wearing my Buffy t shirt...I had my eight year old with me so it is OBVIOUS the cards are for him...

Besides....everyone knows Star Trek Next Generation was way better that the original..

Saturday, August 27, 2011

You down with STD....yeah you know me

I just wrote this whole thing and it was wiped out in an instant...you just know this story won't be funny the second time i write it.

A couple weeks ago I was out with Belle at Panera's eating dinner and then knitting. During the meal I mentioned that I often concede to switch ry days with her and Mike for plans they have, and i would hope that if i start dating they will be open to swapping days with me.

Belle- OMG~! It's been 4 years and you are finally talking about dating! I knew you would! You told me you would never date another guy but now you want to !!!!
Stacie- Calm down. I am not talking about dating anyone really.
Belle- You just said Date! You cannot deny it!!!
Stacie- by "date" i meant fuck. I am not interested in a relationship...i just want sex.
Belle- EWWWWWWW! Stacie! what about diseases! Oh my god! You have no idea where they have been !!!!!

Now....a couple days later i recounted the above convo to Cath, Jen, and Peg at our local Chinese dive...and here is the continuation

Stacie- So I said to Belle...my "date" will wear a condom! I am not a teenager!
and Belle said to me " THere are other things you can catch!" So I said I am almost 40 years old and if i want to get an STD I have earned that right! I have been careful and in relationships my whole life (except that one time in a bathroom in HS). Dammit! I am adult enough to have casual sex!
Cath- Ummmm Stace, I think that guy in the booth next to us just stroked out.

Cue all Four of us looking over at lone dude only two feet away with a flushed face and glazed look in his eye.

Crap.

Strip it...Strip it good!

The other night I picked Ry up from school and brought him home. He wanted to watch Pokemon in my room and eat dinner on my bed. I was okay with it so I tell him to go upstairs and make sure the bed is made (cue all my ocd friends GASPING at an unmade bed).
I was prepping dinner when i heard him come into the kitchen behind me.

WTF?

Stacie- where did all your clothes go?
Ry- I like to strip down when i get home...get comfy.
Stacie- ummmm....at least you are still wearing your underwear.
Ry- If i know i don't have to go out again, I might as well be like this ..so i can stay cool and relax.

Now the funniest part of this is that I am a total stripper when i get home....BUT...I really do keep my clothes on until bed now, and have been doing such since my kid hit 3 (old enough to draw naked mommy pics= clothes on)

So is this naked streak hereditary? God help me...he gets my nakedness and Mikes body type...my stubbornness and mikes intellect...WTF!

My genes suck!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Nature Fights back

Not a lot going on today....To work my way backwards...

Just got off the phone with my fabulous cousin Andee...whom autocorrect likes to change to Andre..When she is not running Triathlons and Marathons she is raising a house of hilarious girls and helping her husband run their store Sierra Running Company in Fresno. Anyway....I mention that I have to get off the phone soon because i have a check run tomorrow and i hear her suck in a large breath...
Andee: Check run! That sounds awesome! What is that? Is it some kind of half marathon?
Stacie: Calm down...its where i print off checks and match them to a bunch of invoices and crap...my ass stays in a chair.
Andee: Oh....i thought you had finally decided to start running...sigh. Hey, by the way...I know you're probably not interested...
Stacie: Hmm? GO ahead and ask.
Andee: well there is this Nike Marathon in San Francisco and we have some free entry tickets if you wanted to do it. During one mile people come out and give you chocolate and at the end a half naked firefighter gives you a tiffany's box with a nike necklace in it for you. my other cousin is coming...want to ?
Stacie: the chocolate and the half naked firefighter make it hard for me to say no. Can I use an ECV?
Andee: I think you have to use your legs.
Stacie: are you sure? cause i am picturing me approaching the chocolate now with the motor humming...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...beep beep.

before the call was dinner...

My pork chop decided to fight back. I went to take a bite of it and a hidden piece of hot fat exploded against my lip like shrapnel in the fight for vegetarianism. I hate you pork. Now my lip hurts...just enough to annoy me. Luckily so far i still look normal. Tomorrow is an all staff meeting. I do not need to see the whole zoo and have them see a weird puffy lip, Like i tried and failed at lip injections.

before dinner was work

nothing much there....my under wire bra, where it met in the middle ...I noticed how bizarrely hard it was...so I balanced my staple remover on it while trying to get pegs attention while she was on the phone.

and that was it for the day!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Everyone knows its all about the anemone

This weekend was nice. I was bitten all to hell at Jen’s house Saturday night. It looks like I have the chicken pox or something. Also, to disclose everything, Jen’s husband said something mildly funny when I wasn’t paying attention and I choked on my Mikes Black Cherry, managed to shoot it all out my nose, and send Cath and Jen into frenzied giggles. Glad I keep you entertained.

I had yesterday off to watch Ry and his friend Owen. Matthew and Rach came down as well and they tortured me by holding a loud bright ray gun to my head for a continuous 5 minutes each child. Also, poked me with a light saber and argued over Wii. I do not understand kids and wished I was at work instead.


Tuesday brings me back to work and Kringle is back. Cath and I decide to go out for Mexican food and decide to ask him so he see’s it is not an elaborate stalk job. I need him to know that I am NOT going to trick him into looking in my trunk and then whap him over the head with a fake arm cast.

Me: Want to go to dinner with Cath and I ?
Kringle: I’m still unpacking, washing, and what not.
Me: ?!? I have never heard a man say that …ever.
Kringle: I’m OCD when it comes to a clean house, clean clothes, and things put away appropriately.


Oh God. Another one? How is it that I am attracted to friends that are so damned OCD? Especially when I honestly replied that “I am a walking mess. Kind of like Pigpen, without the dust.” I could make a list and it would be longggggggg of all my OCD friends. Topping that List? Belle and CC. I honestly don’t think anyone can surpass Belle in the OCD department. What’s next? Vegetarian? CC, Mike, sometimes Belle… NO MORE !

Then I had to ask Cath,

Is it wrong to set up my soon to be ex’s girlfriend with another dude? He is OCD, she is OCD. He holds his staff to high standards that make them want to kill him as does she. Isn’t that a match made in heaven? They could rule the WORLD!

Cath says it is wrong…and it’s true, I don’t want to break poor Mikes heart.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Horny?

Today ...after all the Guinea Fowl excitement (cue jazz hands), I was working at my desk and my hair kept falling in my face. I have a headband for just that occasion! it looks like this...




Except they are red. What devil has pink horns?!

I was working pretty hard and forgot I had them on, when I realized I had to pick something up in HR. I went out of the trailer and down the ramp. I had gone about 4 feet when I looked ahead and saw a ? 23 ? year old plushy fellow just standing there staring at me. I slowed my walk down, he didn't move. Then he gave me the weirdest toothy cringe smile/leer I have ever seen!

It was pretty creepy...so i gave him a wan smile back...and as i was about to pass him he said....I like your horns.

my mind was scrambling to catch up ....is that the new euphemism for boobs? NAH...no way someone would say that outl...wahhhh AGHHHHHHH!!!!! I ripped those horns off my head mumbled something like OOOPS! or Ahhhhh pickles...and then sped walked away as fast as I could.

Anthropomorphism

Kringle has said numerous times to me (back when he still thought I was normal enough to not hide from) that i anthropomorphize animals. I am sure he has said this to loads of people seeing as he uses the word without stumbling over it, as I tend to do.

Today I had 2 guinea fowl experiences. the first one I talked about on Facebook. Long story short, Spike charged out of the bushes at me and ran after me clucking angrily while I screamed and ran two feet...realized I shouldn't be running from a bird and turned around to face my nemesis. Throwing my hands up in the air I yelled " I'm not even bugging you!" and Spike clucked once more and turned around and went back to his bat cave.




The second experience I had was when I had to go to South Gate to help a friend. I opened our trailer door and there sat one of the guinea fowl staring at me and blocking my way down the ramp. It was like two cowboys passing each other. We kept eye contact as I approached what I later learned was Agnes. I turned my body to keep her in full view as we passed each other and both backed up to allow room. As soon as I hit the corner I sprinted down the rest of the ramp...and just in time...here comes Spike, running from someplace past the ramp! I high tailed it out of there. By the time I got back, Peg was outside smoking.

I joined her on the bench and soon enough we were able to witness why I think animals ARE like humans, and why Spike is so damned pissy.

Here come Spike and Agnes....walking toward the ramp. Spike is clucking something at Agnes as they are walking. When they get to the beginning of the ramp there is a space between it and the trailer, just Guinea Fowl sized. Spike walks into the void as Agnes , not really paying attention, walks up the ramp that is fenced on both sides. What follows is what I believe they were saying to each other, although I could only hear cluck cluck craw blah blah...

Agnes: Spike? Spike? Where are you, you were just here a minute ago!
Spike: Oh Agnes. Not again.
Agnes: Oh! Oh! I can see you Spike! How did these bars get here? OH...I can't fit through~! How did you? Spike?
Spike: Agnes, fer crying out loud you stupid hen! How many times....Oh never mind...hold on.
Agnes: Spike! Where did you go! You just disappeared! Oh!!!!!
Spike: Behind you Agnes, I walked under the ramp. Turn around and follow me.
Agnes: Oh! There you are! Now you are on the other side! Its like magic Spike! Magic!
Spike: Would you just....Ahhhh you are KILLING me Agnes...just walk with me down the ramp...here you go....almost at the end.
Agnes: LOOK! Now there are no bars! That is amazing Spike. You are so smart!
Spike: Yes Agnes you dumb broad, now put your wing against that trailer wall and follow me.

And then Spike blocked Agnes from the side that leads to the ramp and basically shoved her into the space he had gone into before...and they lay down in the shade and Agnes was happy and Spike was...annoyed.

So I think this is why Spike is always in a bad mood. I guess I would be too if I had to put up with Agnes every day.

Crazy bitch.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Fowl attack.

So today Peg and I decide to take a break and sit outside for a bit. Her smoking, me relaxing. We were discussing the differing smells of two potential bathroom sprays I had bought for our trailer bathroom, when the Guinea Fowl approached. We have 2 guinea that I love to watch. They are a couple of wackos. One hides when confronted by just about anything (including a stong wind I bet) and the other is maniacal. It has attacked and run from peacocks (inspiring school children to chant Go peacock Go peacock GO!), has run out from under stairs and chased people, and tried to peck at someone’s leg. I think it needs a little studded dog collar on its teeny little neck so that we can identify him from a distance.



Anyway, I was sitting on the bench facing peg with my arm up on the bench back fingers dangling over the top. As we were talking the scardy fowl skulked by trying to look all innocent as bird of doom walked under the bench. I wasn’t afraid if it and kept talking….then it happened.

Peg said later that she saw it leap its weird shaped body up into the air as it headed for my …

RING FINGER!

That fowl bit my ring finger! I actually levitated straight up and screamed like a 10 year old girl at a slumber party! My arm shot straight up in the air like I was asking a question in grade school. The Guinea fowl? Went back to pecking at the ground, probably put out that it couldn’t keep a hold on that juicy “worm”. Bird of doom did not break the skin, but the feeling of the birds soft mouth around my finger still haunts me.

And now we have to deal with Bird of Doom having his first taste of human flesh. He will be unstoppable now.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Feet

Today I went to the local pedicure place to get my feet done. Sadly, I have not done this all summer and my feet resemble fred flinstones. I also wanted to go to the grocery store, so i allowed myself under an hour at the foot place.

I walk in and its really full! The little lady comes up and i ask her how long the wait is. She says 15 minutes so i take a seat and start reading a People magazine about some sad reality couple gone bad. After awhile they call me back, then have some argument among themselves that ends with me sitting at an empty manicure table to await an open seat. After reading a bit more i seek out the clock on the wall. Sigh....running out of time. SO i look over at the seats to see how far along the other pedicures are and...WTF? All the women are getting their pedicures from these strange short MEN. Now ...I never thought i cared what gender did what job in life...but ARGH! I cannot let a strange little man play with my flinstone feet. It is hard enough for me to let a chick touch my feet. WHY WHY WHY? I pretty much just told them I would be back later and beat (ugly) feet out of there.

Sorry mini feet men. I guess I am not as enlightened as I thought I was.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Stinks

Next week Kringle is on vacation! I will be able to walk freely around without worry of bumping into him and resembling a stalker.

Cath and I are going to hit up the swamp first…I love that Benny the otter. I used to go in and watch him swim a lot my first winter here….I would be smile and wave before I left….about my 10th time visiting I smiled and waved before leaving and he floated past me , lifted his back paw, and waved back and forth! No one was around and I was astounded! I made contact with an otter….this is AWESOME! Then I noticed he had actually just finished pooping and was shaking it off.

Dammit.

Also, we may go to Feathers and Scales. I want to see the freaky ass little roadrunners as well as the poison dart frogs.

Mmmmm anything else to share?

I made the mistake of wearing this perfume the other day called exotic coconut. Holy crap…by 11am I felt like a fragrant dockworker was following me around. It was a manly stink smell that I cannot properly describe. This stench was really annoying me. I walked down the hall so I could hit the bathroom and try to wipe off the sad little squirt I had put on when I was accosted by Cath. She said, “hey…pssst…come here” all sneaky like…I walked over to her and she had the payroll check cabinet open. I thought WTF? And then she said “come here” and as I inclined my head towards her she said “take a deep breath”.

When someone says that to you….don’t.

But I was still inebriated from my skunky perfume so I inhaled deeply.

HOLY CRAP. It smelled like vomit!

“That smells like VOMIT” I gagged out.

“yes, I thought it did”. She said. Then she giggled and walked away.

You suck Cathy.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I am not a stalker. Promise!

Okay…so follow up to find a friend story.

Friday Cathy asked me if I wanted to walk to the library with her to return some books. That’s right…here at the Zoo we have our own library. We are awesome!

I told Cathy I would go with her as long as we could stop at the living coast and smell the penguins. Yes…smell the penguins. When I feel homesick I go into the aquarium section of our zoo and smell a ranker version of home. So down the alley we walked towards the library. By the time we got in the library and returned the books I was ready to go back to the trailer (yes…we work in a triple wide). The wind was blowing my cotton skirt around and it was just a matter of time before some zoo patrons saw my pink underwear and were turned to stone. My ass is scarier than Medusa’s head. I should also mention it was month end and I had to close payables month before I could go home.
Cathy said we were almost there and she hadn’t been there in a long while so let’s just go. SO I DID.
Train wreck approaching.
We passed the splash pad and If I could go back, I would have run through the water like I wanted to and gone back to work.

Cathy and I walked through the exhibit. Parts are murky, other parts glorious. Had a funny chat with a woman about jellyfish stinging her son once and how now at 19 he still fears the ocean.

It was way crowded so we finally made it to the penguin part….Ahhh…smell that delicious almost pacific smell. Close your eyes and pretend. It was wonderful until the sensation of tons of milling people started to make me feel closed in. Cath and I started out the doors…almost home free. Who do I see? Kringle. WTF! WTF! WTF! I averted my gaze and tried to meld with the group ahead desperately trying to get out the door.

Seriously….. Yes…Living coast is one place I might see him….but the chances were minimal. Or so I thought.

I sent my brain waves to Cathy….avert….serpentine….meld into the wall and let’s get out of here.
Cathy did not pick up on the brain waves.
“HEY KRINGLE!” She yelled as she waved.

Crap.

What follows is something like this…..

Kringle outloud “ hey”
Kringle in his head “ great. She is stalking me now. What next? A boiled bunny on my doorstep?”
Stacie outloud “ hey”
Stacie in her head “ Shit. He thinks I am such a stalker. Put the lotion in the basket Kringle. How do I get out of this?!”

Then mumbles about this and that….and CUT! We split and Cath and I run into the cool skeleton shop and I am safe again.

As we speak, chances are good a restraining order is being filed.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

New friends please step forward

I wanted to post about my recent endeavor to make a new friend. For the past few weeks I have had the urge to befriend this slightly taciturn male that is on the outskirts of my work solar system. We don't come in contact much, but when we do he is always wickedly funny. It may be because I started getting homesick recently. I haven't had it this bad in 10 years.
After meeting up with my bestie Rhonda in Maryland a couple weeks ago it was like I could hear the ocean calling me. When I got back to town I thought to myself "Stacie! Get your shit together. Get a new friend, single...no kids...someone to talk to on your non mom days". All my friends at work are married, moms, or like to go to bed at 6pm. All my friends in GE are married, or moms, or with someone. Trying to get these people to do something takes time and a scheduler.
So....I decide to befriend Kringle (now named as such because he looks like the rankin bass kris kringle).
Now I want you to ask yourself, when was the last time you made a new friend of the opposite sex? It's not fair to compare it to making friends with someone who works in your same department. That is way too easy....constantly seeing each other , yapping at the microwave, making fun of the same people. What I am talking about is making friends with someone who works on a different floor that you sometimes see in the cafeteria or at the coffee cart.
So I tried waiting till we bumped into each other....that didn't work....probably cause i have the patience of a gnat. I tried calling him and then hung up when his vm came on. Finally I just left him a message telling him to call me ....or not.

When he called it was the most awkward backwards discussion ever. I had no idea how to start! He sounded put out from the beginning. I guess i would have too if I had me stalking me and then I started straight off with " do you want to be my friend?" His response " Wha?!"

OH MY GOD. This just proves that I have been spending too much time with my eight year old and not enough time with adults.

I repeated my inane comment...." be my friend" I mumbled.

His? " Are you kidding me? *note- he did not sound flattered or excited....in fact, the exact opposite.

then he put me on hold.

I actually stared at the phone. then I hung up like the hounds of hell were going to come flying out of the receiver.

After about a minute the phone rang and I stared at it in horror. When I picked up he barked "why did you hang up ? I told you to hold on!"

what words of awesomeness came out of my mouth next???

" I just figured it was such a ridiculous conversation we were having...too bizarre...I just had to hang up"

so he said " alright" and then hung up.


WTF is wrong with me? I have now basically made the impression that I am a confusing strange stalkerish woman with the people skills of a 3rd grader. I thought about it...and .composed an apologetic email asking him to dinner or a drink. He responded with an email saying he would be busy for 3 weeks and would call me after that (read...I am busy for the rest of my life, or until you are admitted to the funny farm).

When I got home that night I collapsed on the couch and told Riley, "today mommy tried to make a new friend. It's harder than I remember" and the sage little light of my life said to me,

" look mommy... you don't ask. You do it like I did just today. I was in the kids zone playing and this other kid came along and we ended up playing the same thing...after awhile he was my friend... just like that! "

Righttttt...just like that.