The great escape

So I am sitting at a red light (running late to work) and I look over to my right at the crossing traffic whose turn lane is also stopped at a red. There sits a trash truck. A small movement catches my eye at the top of the truck…it looks like a black bag kind o flapping in the mind…then it stops…then it really starts to move. It is not a bag. It is a raccoon. The raccoon is pulling himself out of the trash compacting section of the garbage truck. Then there he sits…looking around….wondering what the hell he is supposed to do now. He walks to the edge f the truck and does that animal thing…where they walk their feet down head first to see how far they can get without sliding the rest of the way and eating shit on the ground….he didn’t get far. Slide………………BAM..he hits the pavement, dodges 2 cars going the opposite way while word bubbles appear over his head (HOLY SHITTTTTTT!) and makes it to the side of the road/bike path…a safe haven in the forest preserve. That was amazing.

Balloon Hair

So it’s a half hour past the end of my work day….I am seriously dragging….my hair (which I had not done a THING to that morning) is flat all over…except for a matted spot on the right top side of my head…my orange shirt is feeling too tight and I am holding a container of sour cream. I walk down the ramp (which I always call the gang plank in my head) and round the bend….coming face to face with Kringle who had come around the corner of his trailer.

Me- uh hi
Kringle- hey! (crap)
Silence
Kringle- look at you all decked out in Halloween colors (wtf is wrong with her? She looks like she is being strangled by her shirt and it looks like she rubbed a balloon against her hair!)
Me- ummmm that’s how we do it in accounting….keep it festive….only a week left.
Kringle- yep! Almost Halloween…can’t wait. ( for it to be over…)
Me- dressing up and trick or treating? (why did I ask him that? What am I even saying? What is coming out of my GD mouth? )
Kringle- I was thinking I would just be a loser….get it? I already am? (there’s my car…I am so close to escaping!)
Me- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (ran out of anything…anything to say….when does that ever happen}

Gah….

Lets go on a field trip!!!

So the other day at the work I received a w9 for a small business in our area. This means we can now start sending the person checks for our purchases, instead of having to get petty cash signed off by 3 people before heading over there. The place is small and reallllllllllllll dirty I had heard, but I had to go over there and walk him through our process so he wouldn't be lost. Cath came with me since she knew where it was. After we stopped at the goodwill and picked up mikes fortune tellers costume, we walked a couple doors down to the store.

The sign said CLOSED. Shit. I really wanted to get this done NOW.

As I peered thru the dusty glass looking to see if the lights were on and such, I felt Cathy poking me...poke poke poke...LOOK! I look at the window next to me where I see a large box...lid up...with grasshoppers hopping and crawling...EWWWW ! And flies buzzing! UGH! I look back thru the front window and see the lights on and the backdoor open. I knock but no one comes...

I have a printed list of invoicing rules in my hand...but I am loath to pop it thru the mail slot...this dude was LOST on the phone and I know he will not understand what I am getting at unless I can garner some eye contact.

Me- come on....let’s drive around the back...I think he's back there.
Cath- ugh...can't you just drop the paper in the mail slot...this place is so gross...and now you want to go in the alley?
Me- it will just take a second. Think what an adventure this will be.

On our way back to the car we see a walkway between 2 buildings...

Me- hey! Let’s take this walkway
Cath- ummmmmm okay...looks kinda odd

We step into the walkway and this is when I realize it is barely as wide as my shoulders. If for any reason we had to turn around quickly and run, too late...we would be dead. Of course the upside is that I can throw Cath at an attacker as long as they come in her end of the pass thru.

We come out the other end unscathed and see mouse man standing there. I walk up slowly, like approaching a child who doesn’t want a bath.

Me- hi! I’m Stacie from the zoo!
MM- ohhhh hiiiiiiiiiiii
Me- we received your tax info from your accountant and I thought I would stop by and walk you through our process.
Mm- that would be nice…it is so confusing….
Mm- ohhhhh it’s raining…come in out of the rain
Cath- gahhhhhhhh
Me- thanks!


Mousman walks in the dim dirty back door….I follow….Cath drags behind not looking happy.

MOTHER OF GOD! Dirt, dust, smell….did I say smell????Mouse-rabbity-stale-animal food-weirdness?! My allergies start acting up ASAP…

Mouseman and I talk about invoices, and receipt books etc…..I find that I am slowly backing out the door as I talk….Cath has already headed back into the rain.

Mousman is lonely and keeps talking. He’s a pretty nice guy….just…..a little…..off?

Mm- I come in here 7 days a week. My family doesn’t understand, but if I don’t feed the mice they will eat the pinkies (baby mice).
Me- hmmmmmmm
mm- Also …people need food for their animals…this one guy got a snake and it wasn’t eating…it was small….so I said…here….ya need a rat…first ya bop it on the head….to kill it..uhhhhhh EUTHENIZE it…
Me- hmmmmmmm (look at the funny little guy trying to back pedal and erase the BOP IT part!)
Mm- then you chop off the rat tail and feed it to the snake…cause its nothing but a sausage,…that’s all tails are….SAUSAGE.
Me-cool.

During this exchange I have a bright smile on my face and I cannot help but be interested….I find just about everything having to do with death fascinating in some way….I peek behind me and see Cathy looking a little green….with a wan smile on her face….I can see the words LETS BAIL being transmitted to me.

Me- fascinating…fascinating….well….we’ve gotta get back! Call if you have any questions!
Cathy- under her breath in the walkway once more…OMG…that place made crazy with my asthma…
Me- ugh.

When I got back, I emailed everyone and their cousins on the new procedure. Kringle was on the list…and guess what…he emailed me back.

Thanks Stacie!

You da bomb!


So maybe he has pulled the restraining order? Doesn’t fear me lurking outside his house? Maybe I am too paranoid and he never thought I was stalking him?

Because no matter how polite you are you should NEVER e-thank your stalker….for anything!

I'm gonna live the free life

Ry told me Saturday he was running away from home.

Ry- You are so mean and bossy...i am done! I am leaving!

he grabbed his cubs robe and laid it down. He started filling it with all sorts of kid shit...pokemon cards, a microscope, other things he wouldn't let me see. he rolled it all up like a tootsie roll and marched in front of me. (fyi we have tons of backpacks ....but everytime he wants to run away, it is the same robe with a tootsie roll look).

Ry- I'm leaving now
me- where you going?
ry- a river. that way i can fish for my food and drink water and stuff.
me- winter isn't too far off, you sure you don't want to stay where its warm?
ry- I can build a shelter and have a fire.
me- you just ordered some pokemon cards off of ebay. they aren't showing up for another 5 days.
ry- *crap* Okay...i will stay till the pokemon cards show up and THEN i am leaving!

later that day we sat down and had a talk about how running away doesn't solve anything and ...

me- you know ry, who was crabby and bossy first this morning?
ry- i was! I know!
me- and your mood affected mine...i started getting bossy and crabby back at you
ry- HEY! Thats called PAYBACK and you told me that payback was BAD!


Busted!

My mom loves curling.

Awhile back Cathy and i went to dinner at a local (for her) restaurant that serves breakfast all day. As per my normal routine, i requested a restaurant that did this and then didn't order breakfast. I don't know why i do this, i just do. Cathy, on the other hand, did order a breakfast skillet.This restaurant was filled with 70 and older people. the youngest peeps besides us were the waitresses. when our orders arrived, mine had a lot of sauteed onions, while Cathy's had none. She saw me scraping them to the side, so i asked her if she wanted any. She said sure.

Now...it should be mentioned here for people who may have forgotten...i not only have comically large hooters, but short t-rex arms.
Cathy did not move her plate closer to me, she just peeled the eggs back as if to say Well? Whatcha waiting for? i scootched forward a bit, but quickly realized there was nowhere to go. my boobs would be covered in gravy if i even moved an inch....my dino arms could in no way reach her plate....so without really thinking it over i scooped a huge amount of onions together with a fork and knife and flung them at Cathys plate.

miraculously they made it.

Suddenly we were both laughing....

me- I can't believe it they not only made it on your plate , but onto the small portion of potatoes you uncovered!
Cath- giggle
me- i think i just found a new Olympic sport!
Cath- i agree. it's amazing and messy!
me- the lameness of it reminds me of that winter sport....the one where you rub the ice with a mop? what is that one??? My mom LOVES it
Cath- Hurling? is it hurling?
me- HURLING???? NO ! CURLING! you were close! so close ...we should call our onion flinging sport hurling!

As i shouted the word Hurling....the 76 year old 6 foot cranky pants woman with the dr seusian double bun listing over her forehead swung her head 180 degrees like an owl and pierced me with her icy gaze....
i shut up for a second. Cath followed my gave and mumbled NICE HAIR under her breath. we both broke up into giggles.

we talked about many things over dinner....but whenever one of us said hurling or curling we started laughing so hard we couldn't stop.

during one of our giggle spats Fanny Seuss was getting up to leave...she stalked past our table and when she got between the two of us she pulled herself up straight and screeched MY GAWD! All the while staring me down.

I was flabbergasted...who got mad at laughter?

this of course made us laugh even more...and made me run to the bathroom to avoid peeing in my pants.

Long Rusty Shears

Well….it officially happened….I hit whatever invisible wall I hit when a change must SUDDENLY happen. I had been hemming and hawing about my hair for days. It had gotten to shoulder length…the perm had grown out so it was an inch straight then curly. The right side of my head tended to frizz up on the top like a bird’s nest while the rest lay in pleasant curls.

Do I color it? Hmmmmm My job does not allow “unnatural” colors. I was unable to stray from the thought of 2 tone blue hair…no other color appealed to me….so no color….
Do I re perm? Hmmmmm….Riley did not like my curly hair…and that birds nest section really bugged me.

So Thursday afternoon I was talking to Jen about my hair…and I said I had half a mind to go cut it all off with our rusty ole scissors. Jen said…noooooooo…you don’t want to do that….but the more she said I didn’t…the more I really did want to!

I left her office and picked up the shears off of Pegs desk. Like a 4 year old I softly snuck them into the bathroom with me….I stared at my hair….in two small pony tails…then stared at the birds nest. I picked up said birds nest and chopped it off!

Well that looked like shit. So I did the same to the other side….Then I sawed through my pony tails.

I was left with a mix between a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut and a mullet. A Hamullet.

I calmly walked into Jen and Cathy’s office again with one hand full of chopped off ponytails and the other holding dagger like scissors.

OH MY GOD! They FREAKED out….Like this was abnormal behavior. I think Cathy wanted to spank me and not in a sexy way. Martin walked by and was like “Hey, what are you guys…oh my god! Is that hair? Oh my god! Do you have a mullet?”

There was pandemonium….my boss ran in…”Are you okay? Mentally? Is everything alright? Is this a breakdown???”

She took the scissors away.

Martin walked by again….”hair…the hair….why? And they say accounting is boring”

I was told they would have paid for a haircut for me if I was short of funds….I love my coworkers. I said I would go get it styled….but sometimes; you just had to DO IT!

I have a sticker on my car that says 4 out of 5 voices in my head say go for it! Cathy said she wished I had listened to the 5th voice that day.

I went to the local hair place where it only costs 8 bucks. The nice older Spanish lady sat me down and had me remove my kerchief (hey…you cannot drive around with a Hamullet). She gasped and made the sign of the cross….She handed me a book of styles….I said, let’s go long. She did not laugh.

She cleaned my hack job up nicely…I kinda love it.

But I still wish it was blue.

sweating like an oldie

I have so many funny little things to share, and yet i do not have the gumption to write them..I need to make myself sit down this weekend and hammer them out....so much to say, so little time.

Play D and D? We are hiring at Target!

Tonight Ry and I stopped by Target on our way home from Grammy and Pops. We needed some breakfast stuff and I had promised him some new Pokemon cards. All his little friends sit around at the morning Y and battle these cards...Every time I have to play it with him i feel like i should just poke my eyes out, but you know...he loves it.

So at target we are checking out and the pokemon pack gets picked up by the clerk. Now he TOTALLY looks normal...but here is what happens..

Clerk- Ohhhhh not Pokemon.
Stacie- ?!?!?
Clerk- you know, you shouldn't really invest your money in pokemon. Its not real Japanese animation.
Stacie- (in my head) Is this dude talking to me??? WTF!
Stacie - (outloud) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Clerk- I mean...there are so many other wonderful things you could be watching...I think that (inserting fake title here cause I cannot remember what he said) Usuba wan gee gee is awesome. It is on episode 20 and the hero is really someone to look up to. They show his scars because he refuses to kill so he is always taking a beating.
Stacie- Ummmm. You know those pokemon cards are for an 8 year old.
Clerk- Oh....yeah...yeah....but i mean really...pokemon is not anime...anime is the name for Japanese cartoons. it is very arty...and wonderful.
Stacie- welll.....ummmmmm okay...yeah...love anime....ummmm see ya.

Now look...this whole bizarre conversation probably wouldn't have bothered me if i wouldn't have had a very similar one at Dominicks 2 weeks ago about comic con and civil war games with a clerk there. WTF people. I don't care if you prefer the original star trek over the next generation. I don't want to discuss that your other hobby is dressing up in union soldier uniforms and doing a night reenactment complete with cannon firing. I just want my milk and cereal.

And why is it that all of these odd young men feel that I am just the person they should be yapping to about this? I was not wearing my Buffy t shirt...I had my eight year old with me so it is OBVIOUS the cards are for him...

Besides....everyone knows Star Trek Next Generation was way better that the original..

You down with STD....yeah you know me

I just wrote this whole thing and it was wiped out in an instant...you just know this story won't be funny the second time i write it.

A couple weeks ago I was out with Belle at Panera's eating dinner and then knitting. During the meal I mentioned that I often concede to switch ry days with her and Mike for plans they have, and i would hope that if i start dating they will be open to swapping days with me.

Belle- OMG~! It's been 4 years and you are finally talking about dating! I knew you would! You told me you would never date another guy but now you want to !!!!
Stacie- Calm down. I am not talking about dating anyone really.
Belle- You just said Date! You cannot deny it!!!
Stacie- by "date" i meant fuck. I am not interested in a relationship...i just want sex.
Belle- EWWWWWWW! Stacie! what about diseases! Oh my god! You have no idea where they have been !!!!!

Now....a couple days later i recounted the above convo to Cath, Jen, and Peg at our local Chinese dive...and here is the continuation

Stacie- So I said to Belle...my "date" will wear a condom! I am not a teenager!
and Belle said to me " THere are other things you can catch!" So I said I am almost 40 years old and if i want to get an STD I have earned that right! I have been careful and in relationships my whole life (except that one time in a bathroom in HS). Dammit! I am adult enough to have casual sex!
Cath- Ummmm Stace, I think that guy in the booth next to us just stroked out.

Cue all Four of us looking over at lone dude only two feet away with a flushed face and glazed look in his eye.

Crap.

Strip it...Strip it good!

The other night I picked Ry up from school and brought him home. He wanted to watch Pokemon in my room and eat dinner on my bed. I was okay with it so I tell him to go upstairs and make sure the bed is made (cue all my ocd friends GASPING at an unmade bed).
I was prepping dinner when i heard him come into the kitchen behind me.

WTF?

Stacie- where did all your clothes go?
Ry- I like to strip down when i get home...get comfy.
Stacie- ummmm....at least you are still wearing your underwear.
Ry- If i know i don't have to go out again, I might as well be like this ..so i can stay cool and relax.

Now the funniest part of this is that I am a total stripper when i get home....BUT...I really do keep my clothes on until bed now, and have been doing such since my kid hit 3 (old enough to draw naked mommy pics= clothes on)

So is this naked streak hereditary? God help me...he gets my nakedness and Mikes body type...my stubbornness and mikes intellect...WTF!

My genes suck!

Nature Fights back

Not a lot going on today....To work my way backwards...

Just got off the phone with my fabulous cousin Andee...whom autocorrect likes to change to Andre..When she is not running Triathlons and Marathons she is raising a house of hilarious girls and helping her husband run their store Sierra Running Company in Fresno. Anyway....I mention that I have to get off the phone soon because i have a check run tomorrow and i hear her suck in a large breath...
Andee: Check run! That sounds awesome! What is that? Is it some kind of half marathon?
Stacie: Calm down...its where i print off checks and match them to a bunch of invoices and crap...my ass stays in a chair.
Andee: Oh....i thought you had finally decided to start running...sigh. Hey, by the way...I know you're probably not interested...
Stacie: Hmm? GO ahead and ask.
Andee: well there is this Nike Marathon in San Francisco and we have some free entry tickets if you wanted to do it. During one mile people come out and give you chocolate and at the end a half naked firefighter gives you a tiffany's box with a nike necklace in it for you. my other cousin is coming...want to ?
Stacie: the chocolate and the half naked firefighter make it hard for me to say no. Can I use an ECV?
Andee: I think you have to use your legs.
Stacie: are you sure? cause i am picturing me approaching the chocolate now with the motor humming...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...beep beep.

before the call was dinner...

My pork chop decided to fight back. I went to take a bite of it and a hidden piece of hot fat exploded against my lip like shrapnel in the fight for vegetarianism. I hate you pork. Now my lip hurts...just enough to annoy me. Luckily so far i still look normal. Tomorrow is an all staff meeting. I do not need to see the whole zoo and have them see a weird puffy lip, Like i tried and failed at lip injections.

before dinner was work

nothing much there....my under wire bra, where it met in the middle ...I noticed how bizarrely hard it was...so I balanced my staple remover on it while trying to get pegs attention while she was on the phone.

and that was it for the day!

Everyone knows its all about the anemone

This weekend was nice. I was bitten all to hell at Jen’s house Saturday night. It looks like I have the chicken pox or something. Also, to disclose everything, Jen’s husband said something mildly funny when I wasn’t paying attention and I choked on my Mikes Black Cherry, managed to shoot it all out my nose, and send Cath and Jen into frenzied giggles. Glad I keep you entertained.

I had yesterday off to watch Ry and his friend Owen. Matthew and Rach came down as well and they tortured me by holding a loud bright ray gun to my head for a continuous 5 minutes each child. Also, poked me with a light saber and argued over Wii. I do not understand kids and wished I was at work instead.


Tuesday brings me back to work and Kringle is back. Cath and I decide to go out for Mexican food and decide to ask him so he see’s it is not an elaborate stalk job. I need him to know that I am NOT going to trick him into looking in my trunk and then whap him over the head with a fake arm cast.

Me: Want to go to dinner with Cath and I ?
Kringle: I’m still unpacking, washing, and what not.
Me: ?!? I have never heard a man say that …ever.
Kringle: I’m OCD when it comes to a clean house, clean clothes, and things put away appropriately.


Oh God. Another one? How is it that I am attracted to friends that are so damned OCD? Especially when I honestly replied that “I am a walking mess. Kind of like Pigpen, without the dust.” I could make a list and it would be longggggggg of all my OCD friends. Topping that List? Belle and CC. I honestly don’t think anyone can surpass Belle in the OCD department. What’s next? Vegetarian? CC, Mike, sometimes Belle… NO MORE !

Then I had to ask Cath,

Is it wrong to set up my soon to be ex’s girlfriend with another dude? He is OCD, she is OCD. He holds his staff to high standards that make them want to kill him as does she. Isn’t that a match made in heaven? They could rule the WORLD!

Cath says it is wrong…and it’s true, I don’t want to break poor Mikes heart.

Horny?

Today ...after all the Guinea Fowl excitement (cue jazz hands), I was working at my desk and my hair kept falling in my face. I have a headband for just that occasion! it looks like this...

Except they are red. What devil has pink horns?!

I was working pretty hard and forgot I had them on, when I realized I had to pick something up in HR. I went out of the trailer and down the ramp. I had gone about 4 feet when I looked ahead and saw a ? 23 ? year old plushy fellow just standing there staring at me. I slowed my walk down, he didn't move. Then he gave me the weirdest toothy cringe smile/leer I have ever seen!

It was pretty creepy...so i gave him a wan smile back...and as i was about to pass him he said....I like your horns.

my mind was scrambling to catch up ....is that the new euphemism for boobs? NAH...no way someone would say that outl...wahhhh AGHHHHHHH!!!!! I ripped those horns off my head mumbled something like OOOPS! or Ahhhhh pickles...and then sped walked away as fast as I could.

Anthropomorphism

Kringle has said numerous times to me (back when he still thought I was normal enough to not hide from) that i anthropomorphize animals. I am sure he has said this to loads of people seeing as he uses the word without stumbling over it, as I tend to do.

Today I had 2 guinea fowl experiences. the first one I talked about on Facebook. Long story short, Spike charged out of the bushes at me and ran after me clucking angrily while I screamed and ran two feet...realized I shouldn't be running from a bird and turned around to face my nemesis. Throwing my hands up in the air I yelled " I'm not even bugging you!" and Spike clucked once more and turned around and went back to his bat cave.

The second experience I had was when I had to go to South Gate to help a friend. I opened our trailer door and there sat one of the guinea fowl staring at me and blocking my way down the ramp. It was like two cowboys passing each other. We kept eye contact as I approached what I later learned was Agnes. I turned my body to keep her in full view as we passed each other and both backed up to allow room. As soon as I hit the corner I sprinted down the rest of the ramp...and just in time...here comes Spike, running from someplace past the ramp! I high tailed it out of there. By the time I got back, Peg was outside smoking.

I joined her on the bench and soon enough we were able to witness why I think animals ARE like humans, and why Spike is so damned pissy.

Here come Spike and Agnes....walking toward the ramp. Spike is clucking something at Agnes as they are walking. When they get to the beginning of the ramp there is a space between it and the trailer, just Guinea Fowl sized. Spike walks into the void as Agnes , not really paying attention, walks up the ramp that is fenced on both sides. What follows is what I believe they were saying to each other, although I could only hear cluck cluck craw blah blah...

Agnes: Spike? Spike? Where are you, you were just here a minute ago!
Spike: Oh Agnes. Not again.
Agnes: Oh! Oh! I can see you Spike! How did these bars get here? OH...I can't fit through~! How did you? Spike?
Spike: Agnes, fer crying out loud you stupid hen! How many times....Oh never mind...hold on.
Agnes: Spike! Where did you go! You just disappeared! Oh!!!!!
Spike: Behind you Agnes, I walked under the ramp. Turn around and follow me.
Agnes: Oh! There you are! Now you are on the other side! Its like magic Spike! Magic!
Spike: Would you just....Ahhhh you are KILLING me Agnes...just walk with me down the ramp...here you go....almost at the end.
Agnes: LOOK! Now there are no bars! That is amazing Spike. You are so smart!
Spike: Yes Agnes you dumb broad, now put your wing against that trailer wall and follow me.

And then Spike blocked Agnes from the side that leads to the ramp and basically shoved her into the space he had gone into before...and they lay down in the shade and Agnes was happy and Spike was...annoyed.

So I think this is why Spike is always in a bad mood. I guess I would be too if I had to put up with Agnes every day.

Crazy bitch.

Fowl attack.

So today Peg and I decide to take a break and sit outside for a bit. Her smoking, me relaxing. We were discussing the differing smells of two potential bathroom sprays I had bought for our trailer bathroom, when the Guinea Fowl approached. We have 2 guinea that I love to watch. They are a couple of wackos. One hides when confronted by just about anything (including a stong wind I bet) and the other is maniacal. It has attacked and run from peacocks (inspiring school children to chant Go peacock Go peacock GO!), has run out from under stairs and chased people, and tried to peck at someone’s leg. I think it needs a little studded dog collar on its teeny little neck so that we can identify him from a distance.

Anyway, I was sitting on the bench facing peg with my arm up on the bench back fingers dangling over the top. As we were talking the scardy fowl skulked by trying to look all innocent as bird of doom walked under the bench. I wasn’t afraid if it and kept talking….then it happened.

Peg said later that she saw it leap its weird shaped body up into the air as it headed for my …

RING FINGER!

That fowl bit my ring finger! I actually levitated straight up and screamed like a 10 year old girl at a slumber party! My arm shot straight up in the air like I was asking a question in grade school. The Guinea fowl? Went back to pecking at the ground, probably put out that it couldn’t keep a hold on that juicy “worm”. Bird of doom did not break the skin, but the feeling of the birds soft mouth around my finger still haunts me.

And now we have to deal with Bird of Doom having his first taste of human flesh. He will be unstoppable now.

Feet

Today I went to the local pedicure place to get my feet done. Sadly, I have not done this all summer and my feet resemble fred flinstones. I also wanted to go to the grocery store, so i allowed myself under an hour at the foot place.

I walk in and its really full! The little lady comes up and i ask her how long the wait is. She says 15 minutes so i take a seat and start reading a People magazine about some sad reality couple gone bad. After awhile they call me back, then have some argument among themselves that ends with me sitting at an empty manicure table to await an open seat. After reading a bit more i seek out the clock on the wall. Sigh....running out of time. SO i look over at the seats to see how far along the other pedicures are and...WTF? All the women are getting their pedicures from these strange short MEN. Now ...I never thought i cared what gender did what job in life...but ARGH! I cannot let a strange little man play with my flinstone feet. It is hard enough for me to let a chick touch my feet. WHY WHY WHY? I pretty much just told them I would be back later and beat (ugly) feet out of there.

Sorry mini feet men. I guess I am not as enlightened as I thought I was.

Stinks

Next week Kringle is on vacation! I will be able to walk freely around without worry of bumping into him and resembling a stalker.

Cath and I are going to hit up the swamp first…I love that Benny the otter. I used to go in and watch him swim a lot my first winter here….I would be smile and wave before I left….about my 10th time visiting I smiled and waved before leaving and he floated past me , lifted his back paw, and waved back and forth! No one was around and I was astounded! I made contact with an otter….this is AWESOME! Then I noticed he had actually just finished pooping and was shaking it off.

Dammit.

Also, we may go to Feathers and Scales. I want to see the freaky ass little roadrunners as well as the poison dart frogs.

Mmmmm anything else to share?

I made the mistake of wearing this perfume the other day called exotic coconut. Holy crap…by 11am I felt like a fragrant dockworker was following me around. It was a manly stink smell that I cannot properly describe. This stench was really annoying me. I walked down the hall so I could hit the bathroom and try to wipe off the sad little squirt I had put on when I was accosted by Cath. She said, “hey…pssst…come here” all sneaky like…I walked over to her and she had the payroll check cabinet open. I thought WTF? And then she said “come here” and as I inclined my head towards her she said “take a deep breath”.

When someone says that to you….don’t.

But I was still inebriated from my skunky perfume so I inhaled deeply.

HOLY CRAP. It smelled like vomit!

“That smells like VOMIT” I gagged out.

“yes, I thought it did”. She said. Then she giggled and walked away.

You suck Cathy.

I am not a stalker. Promise!

Okay…so follow up to find a friend story.

Friday Cathy asked me if I wanted to walk to the library with her to return some books. That’s right…here at the Zoo we have our own library. We are awesome!

I told Cathy I would go with her as long as we could stop at the living coast and smell the penguins. Yes…smell the penguins. When I feel homesick I go into the aquarium section of our zoo and smell a ranker version of home. So down the alley we walked towards the library. By the time we got in the library and returned the books I was ready to go back to the trailer (yes…we work in a triple wide). The wind was blowing my cotton skirt around and it was just a matter of time before some zoo patrons saw my pink underwear and were turned to stone. My ass is scarier than Medusa’s head. I should also mention it was month end and I had to close payables month before I could go home.
Cathy said we were almost there and she hadn’t been there in a long while so let’s just go. SO I DID.
Train wreck approaching.
We passed the splash pad and If I could go back, I would have run through the water like I wanted to and gone back to work.

Cathy and I walked through the exhibit. Parts are murky, other parts glorious. Had a funny chat with a woman about jellyfish stinging her son once and how now at 19 he still fears the ocean.

It was way crowded so we finally made it to the penguin part….Ahhh…smell that delicious almost pacific smell. Close your eyes and pretend. It was wonderful until the sensation of tons of milling people started to make me feel closed in. Cath and I started out the doors…almost home free. Who do I see? Kringle. WTF! WTF! WTF! I averted my gaze and tried to meld with the group ahead desperately trying to get out the door.

Seriously….. Yes…Living coast is one place I might see him….but the chances were minimal. Or so I thought.

I sent my brain waves to Cathy….avert….serpentine….meld into the wall and let’s get out of here.
Cathy did not pick up on the brain waves.
“HEY KRINGLE!” She yelled as she waved.

Crap.

What follows is something like this…..

Kringle outloud “ hey”
Kringle in his head “ great. She is stalking me now. What next? A boiled bunny on my doorstep?”
Stacie outloud “ hey”
Stacie in her head “ Shit. He thinks I am such a stalker. Put the lotion in the basket Kringle. How do I get out of this?!”

Then mumbles about this and that….and CUT! We split and Cath and I run into the cool skeleton shop and I am safe again.

As we speak, chances are good a restraining order is being filed.

New friends please step forward

I wanted to post about my recent endeavor to make a new friend. For the past few weeks I have had the urge to befriend this slightly taciturn male that is on the outskirts of my work solar system. We don't come in contact much, but when we do he is always wickedly funny. It may be because I started getting homesick recently. I haven't had it this bad in 10 years.
After meeting up with my bestie Rhonda in Maryland a couple weeks ago it was like I could hear the ocean calling me. When I got back to town I thought to myself "Stacie! Get your shit together. Get a new friend, single...no kids...someone to talk to on your non mom days". All my friends at work are married, moms, or like to go to bed at 6pm. All my friends in GE are married, or moms, or with someone. Trying to get these people to do something takes time and a scheduler.
So....I decide to befriend Kringle (now named as such because he looks like the rankin bass kris kringle).
Now I want you to ask yourself, when was the last time you made a new friend of the opposite sex? It's not fair to compare it to making friends with someone who works in your same department. That is way too easy....constantly seeing each other , yapping at the microwave, making fun of the same people. What I am talking about is making friends with someone who works on a different floor that you sometimes see in the cafeteria or at the coffee cart.
So I tried waiting till we bumped into each other....that didn't work....probably cause i have the patience of a gnat. I tried calling him and then hung up when his vm came on. Finally I just left him a message telling him to call me ....or not.

When he called it was the most awkward backwards discussion ever. I had no idea how to start! He sounded put out from the beginning. I guess i would have too if I had me stalking me and then I started straight off with " do you want to be my friend?" His response " Wha?!"

OH MY GOD. This just proves that I have been spending too much time with my eight year old and not enough time with adults.

I repeated my inane comment...." be my friend" I mumbled.

His? " Are you kidding me? *note- he did not sound flattered or excited....in fact, the exact opposite.

then he put me on hold.

I actually stared at the phone. then I hung up like the hounds of hell were going to come flying out of the receiver.

After about a minute the phone rang and I stared at it in horror. When I picked up he barked "why did you hang up ? I told you to hold on!"

what words of awesomeness came out of my mouth next???

" I just figured it was such a ridiculous conversation we were having...too bizarre...I just had to hang up"

so he said " alright" and then hung up.


WTF is wrong with me? I have now basically made the impression that I am a confusing strange stalkerish woman with the people skills of a 3rd grader. I thought about it...and .composed an apologetic email asking him to dinner or a drink. He responded with an email saying he would be busy for 3 weeks and would call me after that (read...I am busy for the rest of my life, or until you are admitted to the funny farm).

When I got home that night I collapsed on the couch and told Riley, "today mommy tried to make a new friend. It's harder than I remember" and the sage little light of my life said to me,

" look mommy... you don't ask. You do it like I did just today. I was in the kids zone playing and this other kid came along and we ended up playing the same thing...after awhile he was my friend... just like that! "

Righttttt...just like that.

Great Story by Mike

Found on Ry's homework desk in a little notebook.

I Love Riley!!!!

There once was a cat named Zella. She thought her name was Zelda. She saw a boy playing a game called "The Legend of Zelda" and she thought it was about her. She imagined that she saved the world by eating all the bad guys. She had confused Zelda with Yoshi. Zella then went around eating everything she thought was bad. Zella thought that anything that got in her way was bad. Soon, most of the house and everything in it had been eaten. Once a week a front end loader would come to clean the litter box.

The End!