Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Bad mom Game edition

So I have to defend myself before I go any further…Xbox Live gold accounts get to download a preselected game twice a month…so 2 new games a month for FREE! One of the games was Saints Row the 3rd a game where you can run around in a sandbox environment driving cars buying property etc.


That etc is running people over blowing shit up and so on and so on.


Being the bad mom I didn’t even THINK of looking the game up before I let Ry play it. He loves it of course.


This game  led him to asking me if he could get GTA 5 which had better cars etc etc …when I finally found out GTA 5 was Grand Theft Auto I almost shit my pants. I dissuaded him from purchasing the game by saying NO. Later at Game stop we were asking for a similar game that didn’t have strip clubs etc…and we mentioned Saints Row…to which I found out the Gamestop man felt SR was WORSE than GTA. Thanks buddy…thanks a lot. So Ry used all his money to buy GTA and that leads to the next story…


Last night Ry asked if he could use his allowance to buy some money on GTA so he could get a sweet crib. I told him maybe he should just go work for that nasty dude that has him knock over local joints for cash…he said he didn’t get paid enough or get it consistently. I told him I was glad he learned that lesson early…and to get a real job later in life.


I told him I would think on it and as he went to bed I sat down to purchase some cash for him. It was really freaking confusing. Every button I pressed did something weird…I finally happened across the online store and got him his money. When I was trying to exit the game I ended up hitting a button and jumping into the car…I drove around for a bit looking for a clothes shop…his outfit was skanky. Instead I stumbled across a tattoo place…I managed to get out of the car, go into the store and I picked him out the sweetest paper airplane tattoo for his shoulder. He’ll never see it…he’s been wearing that smelly outfit for days.

I exited the store and tried to get back in the car. I ended up punching the windshield out and crouching beside it looking like someone having bad hallucinations. Just when I was ready to give up I stumbled across the jump in car button again and I was off. I was still on the lookout for a clothes shop…I was rolling down the street when I saw THE STRIP CLUB! OMG! I should check this out and see how bad it really is!

I launched out of the car….walked past the 2 ho’s and around the bouncer. The door to the club wouldn’t open…I started trying buttons…next thing I know I am beating the shit out of the bouncer! I stopped right away, but when he started to get up I realized he would probably try to hurt me so I beat him some more then I tried to find the button fro the car…instead I pulled a gun and shot the building! I backed up and there were 2 paramedics by the bouncer …they saw my gun and started to run! Next thing I know someone is shooting at me…IT’S THE PO PO! I  managed to get my ass in the car and take off…the po po were on my tail…I managed to crash twice and then go around a couple of corners fast and down the side of a hill. I LIVED! I got out of the car and slunk away in a crouch cause I couldn’t figure out how to stand up. Hope Ry can find his car the next time he logs on.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Open here I flung the shutter..

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wind, and nothing more." -The Raven   Edgar Allan Poe

Oh Dear. There were 2 glorious nights of radio silence from Bert. Ry was unhappy, but I felt a little relieved at not having to ...having to what? Its not like there was more work with 2 kids. Less in fact. But as I enjoy the shit out of Ry  and pretty much not any other child...I guess I was glad to be back to what I was used to .

Then came Saturday.

Mike had Ry, as they were going to orientation to learn about being volunteers at ADOPT in the cat section. This was Belles idea as she thought ry needed to learn about helping others for helps sake...not allowance sake.  Also there was all this building esteem...better human...yadda yadda that she spouted on about. Well let me tell you Belle! When Ry wears down Mike and ends up bringing Bananas the 500 year old constantly sleeping fat cat home, YOU are taking it!

Anyway, Mom came out and we had a wondrous time together...Library, chatting, eating...it was awesome. Then Mike and Ry went to the pool and mom went home and I took a shower and then took a nap in front of the fan....BLISS.

that is until the doorbell rang.

ding dong ding dong.

Oh my god my eyes flew open. It could only be one person. BERT.


I am not getting it. I am in a shirt and undies...i am happy on my bed....he will figure it out.

ding dong ding dong ding dong

clatter *pause* clatter (door knocker)


well shit. now I'm done with the nap. so i grabbed my book and left the lights off so he wouldn't be alerted to my presence in the event he was loitering somewhere nearby.

In the event?

ding dong ding dong ding dong


now its a matter of stubbornness. I will NOT put on pants and answer that door! NO ONE IS HOME!


a page of my book




I leap out of my bed and fling open the curtains.There is Bert...Standing on a section of firewood a foot under my window banging a stick against my window. I stared goggle eyed at him then crank open the window. Before I could even say a word Bert says "whew...about time! What took you so long?!"


me-Bert! They aren't home! Ry is with his dad.
Bert -  Oh. Where did they go?
me- the pool
Bert- when will they be back?
me- no idea. See you later!
Bert- oh. okay. bye.

I crank the window shut and go try to call Mike. No answer.
I send a text to J, who is also at the pool, and tell her who was at my house.
I call D two doors down and tell her how Bert was like Spiderman all up at my window.

a short time later i get a text from D (who had driven past on her way to the store).

He is in your driveway.

OMG...do you know where your children are? I peek out the window and he is sitting on the front step next to our door. I try Mike again and he blessedly picks up. Looks like J told Ry that Bert was at our place and they are on the way home. I go downstairs and open the door and let Bert know they are on their way home.

Bert- where were they ?
me- the pool (dude....told you that before)
Bert- where is the pool?
me- far far away stalker..okay...I didn't say stalker.

I close the door and Mike and Ry roll up 5 minutes later.

Staker, thy stalking is done for the day.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

We have a new addition to the family

His name will be known as ....Bert.

Bert lives about 2 blocks away and is a schoolmate of Ry's. He is also 9 years old. He stumbled across us one evening as we were bringing pizza in for dinner and he has been eating with us ever since. He motors around during the day while Ry is at the Y and shows up right when we get home. He has been as far and wide as rocket ship park and the school and well...everywhere.

Here are some awesome things that have happened since Bert has come along.
1. Mike had Ry for the day so I was cleaning my room...halfway through I laid down for a nap...I was awoken by Bert standing over me.." Did you miss us?" Bert asked...."Not really" Iblearily replied. He responded with where they went...how long they were gone then ran back downstairs to tell Ry I didn't miss them.
2. Same night...he asked where I was going when I walked out the door. ..I said out....he again said, where? I said....its Mikes night with Ry ...I get to just go out...without explaining where!
3. Ry wanted him to stay late for the fireworks...I said no....it will be dark ...he needs to go home before dark...WHY? Bert asked. DUDE! You are nine! go home before dark!

Bert does not get to ride his bike. There are 2 different stories on this...one is that his tires are flat....the second (from his mouth) is that his mom said he isn't responsible enough for it.  My coworkers were blown away by that...Cath said..."Wait...he is allowed to motor around all over town by himself, but he can't ride a bike cause he isn't responsible enough?"....to which Jen replied "Maybe he isn't responsible enough on a bike to stay in the state and not head for California!" Jen has a good point. 

Mike worked from home Monday. He told Bert not to come by Monday till 6 as he would be home, but Ry would be at the Y. At lunch im'd Mike and asked him how many times Bert had come by. Mike scoffed at me..." Not once! I told him not till 6!" That night when I got home I asked what time Bert had come by. Mike looked a bit embarrassed..."well", Mike said " after we talked Bert came by. I re-reminded him not till 6. Bert came by a little over an hour later and I decided to just pick up Ry at 4 and bring him home for Bert."

I told Mike he may have to start paying me more child support to feed Bert...Mike said NO SHIT!

I am glad Ry has an evening friend...I am glad Bert has a person to hang with in the evening...but people...you all know I really don't like kids. I hope i can make it through the summer without going crazy with my additional charge.

PS two minutes ago as I was writing this in my dark room (too hot for lights) i hear a voice right near my ear go "Can I use the phone?"  I screamed and just about peed my pants. " Yes Bert, you can use the phone."