Balloon Hair

So it’s a half hour past the end of my work day….I am seriously dragging….my hair (which I had not done a THING to that morning) is flat all over…except for a matted spot on the right top side of my head…my orange shirt is feeling too tight and I am holding a container of sour cream. I walk down the ramp (which I always call the gang plank in my head) and round the bend….coming face to face with Kringle who had come around the corner of his trailer.

Me- uh hi
Kringle- hey! (crap)
Silence
Kringle- look at you all decked out in Halloween colors (wtf is wrong with her? She looks like she is being strangled by her shirt and it looks like she rubbed a balloon against her hair!)
Me- ummmm that’s how we do it in accounting….keep it festive….only a week left.
Kringle- yep! Almost Halloween…can’t wait. ( for it to be over…)
Me- dressing up and trick or treating? (why did I ask him that? What am I even saying? What is coming out of my GD mouth? )
Kringle- I was thinking I would just be a loser….get it? I already am? (there’s my car…I am so close to escaping!)
Me- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (ran out of anything…anything to say….when does that ever happen}

Gah….

Lets go on a field trip!!!

So the other day at the work I received a w9 for a small business in our area. This means we can now start sending the person checks for our purchases, instead of having to get petty cash signed off by 3 people before heading over there. The place is small and reallllllllllllll dirty I had heard, but I had to go over there and walk him through our process so he wouldn't be lost. Cath came with me since she knew where it was. After we stopped at the goodwill and picked up mikes fortune tellers costume, we walked a couple doors down to the store.

The sign said CLOSED. Shit. I really wanted to get this done NOW.

As I peered thru the dusty glass looking to see if the lights were on and such, I felt Cathy poking me...poke poke poke...LOOK! I look at the window next to me where I see a large box...lid up...with grasshoppers hopping and crawling...EWWWW ! And flies buzzing! UGH! I look back thru the front window and see the lights on and the backdoor open. I knock but no one comes...

I have a printed list of invoicing rules in my hand...but I am loath to pop it thru the mail slot...this dude was LOST on the phone and I know he will not understand what I am getting at unless I can garner some eye contact.

Me- come on....let’s drive around the back...I think he's back there.
Cath- ugh...can't you just drop the paper in the mail slot...this place is so gross...and now you want to go in the alley?
Me- it will just take a second. Think what an adventure this will be.

On our way back to the car we see a walkway between 2 buildings...

Me- hey! Let’s take this walkway
Cath- ummmmmm okay...looks kinda odd

We step into the walkway and this is when I realize it is barely as wide as my shoulders. If for any reason we had to turn around quickly and run, too late...we would be dead. Of course the upside is that I can throw Cath at an attacker as long as they come in her end of the pass thru.

We come out the other end unscathed and see mouse man standing there. I walk up slowly, like approaching a child who doesn’t want a bath.

Me- hi! I’m Stacie from the zoo!
MM- ohhhh hiiiiiiiiiiii
Me- we received your tax info from your accountant and I thought I would stop by and walk you through our process.
Mm- that would be nice…it is so confusing….
Mm- ohhhhh it’s raining…come in out of the rain
Cath- gahhhhhhhh
Me- thanks!


Mousman walks in the dim dirty back door….I follow….Cath drags behind not looking happy.

MOTHER OF GOD! Dirt, dust, smell….did I say smell????Mouse-rabbity-stale-animal food-weirdness?! My allergies start acting up ASAP…

Mouseman and I talk about invoices, and receipt books etc…..I find that I am slowly backing out the door as I talk….Cath has already headed back into the rain.

Mousman is lonely and keeps talking. He’s a pretty nice guy….just…..a little…..off?

Mm- I come in here 7 days a week. My family doesn’t understand, but if I don’t feed the mice they will eat the pinkies (baby mice).
Me- hmmmmmmm
mm- Also …people need food for their animals…this one guy got a snake and it wasn’t eating…it was small….so I said…here….ya need a rat…first ya bop it on the head….to kill it..uhhhhhh EUTHENIZE it…
Me- hmmmmmmm (look at the funny little guy trying to back pedal and erase the BOP IT part!)
Mm- then you chop off the rat tail and feed it to the snake…cause its nothing but a sausage,…that’s all tails are….SAUSAGE.
Me-cool.

During this exchange I have a bright smile on my face and I cannot help but be interested….I find just about everything having to do with death fascinating in some way….I peek behind me and see Cathy looking a little green….with a wan smile on her face….I can see the words LETS BAIL being transmitted to me.

Me- fascinating…fascinating….well….we’ve gotta get back! Call if you have any questions!
Cathy- under her breath in the walkway once more…OMG…that place made crazy with my asthma…
Me- ugh.

When I got back, I emailed everyone and their cousins on the new procedure. Kringle was on the list…and guess what…he emailed me back.

Thanks Stacie!

You da bomb!


So maybe he has pulled the restraining order? Doesn’t fear me lurking outside his house? Maybe I am too paranoid and he never thought I was stalking him?

Because no matter how polite you are you should NEVER e-thank your stalker….for anything!

I'm gonna live the free life

Ry told me Saturday he was running away from home.

Ry- You are so mean and bossy...i am done! I am leaving!

he grabbed his cubs robe and laid it down. He started filling it with all sorts of kid shit...pokemon cards, a microscope, other things he wouldn't let me see. he rolled it all up like a tootsie roll and marched in front of me. (fyi we have tons of backpacks ....but everytime he wants to run away, it is the same robe with a tootsie roll look).

Ry- I'm leaving now
me- where you going?
ry- a river. that way i can fish for my food and drink water and stuff.
me- winter isn't too far off, you sure you don't want to stay where its warm?
ry- I can build a shelter and have a fire.
me- you just ordered some pokemon cards off of ebay. they aren't showing up for another 5 days.
ry- *crap* Okay...i will stay till the pokemon cards show up and THEN i am leaving!

later that day we sat down and had a talk about how running away doesn't solve anything and ...

me- you know ry, who was crabby and bossy first this morning?
ry- i was! I know!
me- and your mood affected mine...i started getting bossy and crabby back at you
ry- HEY! Thats called PAYBACK and you told me that payback was BAD!


Busted!

My mom loves curling.

Awhile back Cathy and i went to dinner at a local (for her) restaurant that serves breakfast all day. As per my normal routine, i requested a restaurant that did this and then didn't order breakfast. I don't know why i do this, i just do. Cathy, on the other hand, did order a breakfast skillet.This restaurant was filled with 70 and older people. the youngest peeps besides us were the waitresses. when our orders arrived, mine had a lot of sauteed onions, while Cathy's had none. She saw me scraping them to the side, so i asked her if she wanted any. She said sure.

Now...it should be mentioned here for people who may have forgotten...i not only have comically large hooters, but short t-rex arms.
Cathy did not move her plate closer to me, she just peeled the eggs back as if to say Well? Whatcha waiting for? i scootched forward a bit, but quickly realized there was nowhere to go. my boobs would be covered in gravy if i even moved an inch....my dino arms could in no way reach her plate....so without really thinking it over i scooped a huge amount of onions together with a fork and knife and flung them at Cathys plate.

miraculously they made it.

Suddenly we were both laughing....

me- I can't believe it they not only made it on your plate , but onto the small portion of potatoes you uncovered!
Cath- giggle
me- i think i just found a new Olympic sport!
Cath- i agree. it's amazing and messy!
me- the lameness of it reminds me of that winter sport....the one where you rub the ice with a mop? what is that one??? My mom LOVES it
Cath- Hurling? is it hurling?
me- HURLING???? NO ! CURLING! you were close! so close ...we should call our onion flinging sport hurling!

As i shouted the word Hurling....the 76 year old 6 foot cranky pants woman with the dr seusian double bun listing over her forehead swung her head 180 degrees like an owl and pierced me with her icy gaze....
i shut up for a second. Cath followed my gave and mumbled NICE HAIR under her breath. we both broke up into giggles.

we talked about many things over dinner....but whenever one of us said hurling or curling we started laughing so hard we couldn't stop.

during one of our giggle spats Fanny Seuss was getting up to leave...she stalked past our table and when she got between the two of us she pulled herself up straight and screeched MY GAWD! All the while staring me down.

I was flabbergasted...who got mad at laughter?

this of course made us laugh even more...and made me run to the bathroom to avoid peeing in my pants.

Long Rusty Shears

Well….it officially happened….I hit whatever invisible wall I hit when a change must SUDDENLY happen. I had been hemming and hawing about my hair for days. It had gotten to shoulder length…the perm had grown out so it was an inch straight then curly. The right side of my head tended to frizz up on the top like a bird’s nest while the rest lay in pleasant curls.

Do I color it? Hmmmmm My job does not allow “unnatural” colors. I was unable to stray from the thought of 2 tone blue hair…no other color appealed to me….so no color….
Do I re perm? Hmmmmm….Riley did not like my curly hair…and that birds nest section really bugged me.

So Thursday afternoon I was talking to Jen about my hair…and I said I had half a mind to go cut it all off with our rusty ole scissors. Jen said…noooooooo…you don’t want to do that….but the more she said I didn’t…the more I really did want to!

I left her office and picked up the shears off of Pegs desk. Like a 4 year old I softly snuck them into the bathroom with me….I stared at my hair….in two small pony tails…then stared at the birds nest. I picked up said birds nest and chopped it off!

Well that looked like shit. So I did the same to the other side….Then I sawed through my pony tails.

I was left with a mix between a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut and a mullet. A Hamullet.

I calmly walked into Jen and Cathy’s office again with one hand full of chopped off ponytails and the other holding dagger like scissors.

OH MY GOD! They FREAKED out….Like this was abnormal behavior. I think Cathy wanted to spank me and not in a sexy way. Martin walked by and was like “Hey, what are you guys…oh my god! Is that hair? Oh my god! Do you have a mullet?”

There was pandemonium….my boss ran in…”Are you okay? Mentally? Is everything alright? Is this a breakdown???”

She took the scissors away.

Martin walked by again….”hair…the hair….why? And they say accounting is boring”

I was told they would have paid for a haircut for me if I was short of funds….I love my coworkers. I said I would go get it styled….but sometimes; you just had to DO IT!

I have a sticker on my car that says 4 out of 5 voices in my head say go for it! Cathy said she wished I had listened to the 5th voice that day.

I went to the local hair place where it only costs 8 bucks. The nice older Spanish lady sat me down and had me remove my kerchief (hey…you cannot drive around with a Hamullet). She gasped and made the sign of the cross….She handed me a book of styles….I said, let’s go long. She did not laugh.

She cleaned my hack job up nicely…I kinda love it.

But I still wish it was blue.